Back in the Saddle

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It’s been awhile since I updated, and it has not from lack of effort. I have taken so many photos, created some new recipes, but just haven’t had the energy to post. I don’t usually write about my struggles with depression and anxiety, but after such a long hiatus, I thought I would share.

This year has been an incredibly difficult year for me. My anxiety and depression have not been this bad in years. Just getting out of bed and going to work has been a great struggle. I have had more panic attacks than I care to admit, and not the small ones, but the full blown hyperventilating, struggling to breath, can’t see through the tears panic attacks.

All year I wanted to tell my friends and family that my ignoring their texts and phone calls is not because I am being a bitch, but I just can’t physically bring myself to respond. I want to respond; I want to be part of their world, but I am struggling. I could say that I am so busy, and just can’t find the time, but that would be a lie. The truth is I have been hiding away for most of the year just trying to not completely give in to my depression.

The hard part about living with depression and anxiety is it becomes all consuming and it is all I can think/talk about, and I have a really difficult time focusing on other people. I forget to ask how they are doing, not because I don’t care, but I can’t see past my own problems. I don’t want to be selfish, but I know it comes off that way sometimes. I don’t want my friends and family to feel sorry for me; I just want them to understand, although I may come off as a “woe is me” attitude; it really is not my intention and I do care about them.

 Over the past few weeks, I have finally found some mental clarity. I have been feeling consistently better. Although, I know there is no end and it will probably last a lifetime, it has been nice to feel better even if it is only temporary.

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Starting Over with a Juice Cleanse

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Almost three years ago, a young woman decided to make a big life change, she was moving from her Larose, Louisiana to Colorado, that young woman was me. I had never lived anywhere besides to Louisiana and wanted to experience something different and have an adventure.  My plan was to stay in Colorado for six months to complete a culinary school program, and then move back to Louisiana or possibly somewhere new. But then something magical happened, I started feeling really connected to Boulder and did not want to leave.

 

So, I stayed in Boulder, wrestle a lot of demons, and fix some serious bad habits in my life, but in the back of my head, there is a little voice saying “you’ve always wanted experience living in a big city; now is the perfect opportunity, what are you waiting?” That voice in my head is a bit of a pusher. I began to think of new cities to move to; my lease ends in March 2014, so it was perfect timing. Like it was meant to be, something amazing happened, I got a job offer in Downtown Denver.

 

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Everything seemed to fall into place; I gave my two weeks notice, said goodbye to some truly remarkable people and the place that was my security blanket since I moved to Boulder. I thought this new job would be challenging and exciting.

I never anticipated how hard starting a new job can be; the first week was brutal, second was worse. I was completely humbled. Then all of my bad habits starting creeping back and years of hard work was all undone in a couple of weeks.

With a bunch of affordable fast food within walking distance of my new job, I started eating my feelings again and drinking vast amounts of coffee, three cups a day at least and I felt terrible. Then, slowly my shopping addiction which took two years to break came back in a full swing. Almost every day over the last month, I tell myself I need this or that, and it just CANNOT wait. But, the absolute worst thing to resurface is my skin picking.  It is my darkest secret. Anytime I get stressed I start to pick at my skin, finding any little bump and turning it into an open wound. This Monday I hit my limit. I looked at myself in the mirror and counted eight scabbed over cuts just on my face.

I had been stopping by a cold pressed juicery (Pressed Juice Daily) near work for a while and thought maybe a juice cleanse would be the radical change I need? So, on Tuesday I made the decision to do a two-three day juice cleanse depending on how I feel.  I spent the week phasing out caffeine which is one of the hardest parts of cleanses for me. The most difficult part will be giving up sugar. Sugar, well chocolate, is my weakness.

I was going to purchase all of my juices through Pressed Juice Daily in Denver, but there was no way I could carry sixteen bottles of juice on the bus. I will purchase their juices on Monday because they are fantastic. For the weekend, my juices are from SolJuice, and they delivered right to my door. I decided on the “Green Cleanse” which is five green juices and one nut milk. They have another option that is mixed with fruit juices, but when I eat too much fruit I get shaky.

Today is Day One. I am sipping on my first juice which consists of kale, spinach, parsley, cucumber, apple and lime. My spirits are high or maybe I am just high off of the kale juice…

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Day 165-My Year in Review and New Resolutions

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I am a list maker, whatever I do, I need a list. I currently have three life goals list: my 2012 resolution list, before I turn 26 to do list, and my bucket list. Recently, I took a look at my lists, and I was pleasantly surprised that I completed several things 2012 resolution list and the 26 list.

2012 brought a lot of changes both professionally and personally. I got a promotion at work, found a new and better apartment and my biggest personal accomplishment, I quit biting my nails. It may seem trivial, but I have been trying to stop biting my nails since I was a teen, and I finally have stopped.

With all the accomplishments of 2012, I had some major failures; I did not get accepted into business school, which was a huge let down, and I am still my worst critic.

With 2013 coming soon, I decided to write a new resolution list.

  1. No more self loathing. In 2012, I made great strides on the self loathing front, but in 2012; I really want to cut the self-hatred out completely.
  2. Drink more water.
  3. Run the Bolder Boulder. I did it once in 2011, but I would love to do it again in 2012.
  4. Volunteer more.
  5. Take the bus at least three times a week to work.
  6. Blog more frequently.
  7. Look at life as half full not half empty.
  8. Reconnect with old friends.
  9. Go on a vacation.
  10. Learn to knit.
  11. Read one book a month.
  12. Listen more than I talk. Considering I talk too much, this is going to be a hard one!
  13. Try photographing new things. I love nature, but I would love to photograph new objects.
  14. Learn to play the guitar.
  15. Learn to speak French.
  16. Don’t take life so seriously.
  17. Go hiking more.
  18. Stop complaining especially in the summer. I complain about the heat way too much!

I am sure I will add more things, but this is it for now.

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