Back in the Saddle

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It’s been awhile since I updated, and it has not from lack of effort. I have taken so many photos, created some new recipes, but just haven’t had the energy to post. I don’t usually write about my struggles with depression and anxiety, but after such a long hiatus, I thought I would share.

This year has been an incredibly difficult year for me. My anxiety and depression have not been this bad in years. Just getting out of bed and going to work has been a great struggle. I have had more panic attacks than I care to admit, and not the small ones, but the full blown hyperventilating, struggling to breath, can’t see through the tears panic attacks.

All year I wanted to tell my friends and family that my ignoring their texts and phone calls is not because I am being a bitch, but I just can’t physically bring myself to respond. I want to respond; I want to be part of their world, but I am struggling. I could say that I am so busy, and just can’t find the time, but that would be a lie. The truth is I have been hiding away for most of the year just trying to not completely give in to my depression.

The hard part about living with depression and anxiety is it becomes all consuming and it is all I can think/talk about, and I have a really difficult time focusing on other people. I forget to ask how they are doing, not because I don’t care, but I can’t see past my own problems. I don’t want to be selfish, but I know it comes off that way sometimes. I don’t want my friends and family to feel sorry for me; I just want them to understand, although I may come off as a “woe is me” attitude; it really is not my intention and I do care about them.

 Over the past few weeks, I have finally found some mental clarity. I have been feeling consistently better. Although, I know there is no end and it will probably last a lifetime, it has been nice to feel better even if it is only temporary.

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Day 131-Ropes and Tides

In the last couple of weeks, I had not been enjoying taking pictures, whether it was lack of inspiration or the time change, my camera was used very little; I decided to take a break from Project 365 and blogging in general. However, this morning I woke up with sudden urge to start taking photographs. Also, I am determined to finish this project, even if I take a little bit longer than a year to complete it. I decided a long walk in the bright sunshine would help with inspiration and it did!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am starting this week off by saying I am thankful that my creativity has been reawakened!

Day 105-Identity Crisis and Self-Portrait

Last week, I decided to make a radical change to my appearance (thank you, Lena Dunham and Miley Cyrus; you make it look so easy). The radical change was supposed to help with creative inspiration. So, I had a hair appointment for Saturday, and I would donate my hair to breast cancer survivors.  I found an awesome edgier hairstyle online (thanks to British pop star, Frankie Sandford).

As Saturday approached, my excitement increased, and I thought I would get my new radical haircut and my self-confidence would rival Rihanna, except I am no Rihanna. After my hair stylist finished cutting and styled my hair, I immediately starting crying and not over joy. I hated it; yes, my hair stylist did everything I asked; however, I was not prepared to have one side cut so short and to lose almost ten inches of hair on that side! I can no longer use my hair to blanket my face.

After rushing to pay for my haircut and running into a department store to find a bathroom, I called my friend and broke down. Yes, I hysterically cried in the middle of a store, and I fully believed people were staring at me because of my hair not because I was crying like a small child in a public place.

Anyways, once I got to my car, I cried for another half hour, and then decided to buy new hair products and try restyling my hair at home. It did help as well as the positive feedback from friends. I also felt embarrassed that I cried over my hair, but I have always been a bit of a drama queen!

Ultimately, this story is the reason I posted this photograph. I wanted to face the insecurities over my hair and my new appearance.  I have never done a self-portrait for Project 365 and no intentions of ever doing a self-portrait for this project; however, in an effort to radically change and be more creative, I am showing my very first self-portrait, and what better way to fight the epic battle with insecurity than to post a picture for the world to see?

Also, I know this may seem superficial and trivial; however, this is the shortest my hair has ever been, and I never react well to change. Also, I do not hate it anymore, but I am still getting used to it! My hair is definitely a work in progress!