Back in the Saddle

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It’s been awhile since I updated, and it has not from lack of effort. I have taken so many photos, created some new recipes, but just haven’t had the energy to post. I don’t usually write about my struggles with depression and anxiety, but after such a long hiatus, I thought I would share.

This year has been an incredibly difficult year for me. My anxiety and depression have not been this bad in years. Just getting out of bed and going to work has been a great struggle. I have had more panic attacks than I care to admit, and not the small ones, but the full blown hyperventilating, struggling to breath, can’t see through the tears panic attacks.

All year I wanted to tell my friends and family that my ignoring their texts and phone calls is not because I am being a bitch, but I just can’t physically bring myself to respond. I want to respond; I want to be part of their world, but I am struggling. I could say that I am so busy, and just can’t find the time, but that would be a lie. The truth is I have been hiding away for most of the year just trying to not completely give in to my depression.

The hard part about living with depression and anxiety is it becomes all consuming and it is all I can think/talk about, and I have a really difficult time focusing on other people. I forget to ask how they are doing, not because I don’t care, but I can’t see past my own problems. I don’t want to be selfish, but I know it comes off that way sometimes. I don’t want my friends and family to feel sorry for me; I just want them to understand, although I may come off as a “woe is me” attitude; it really is not my intention and I do care about them.

 Over the past few weeks, I have finally found some mental clarity. I have been feeling consistently better. Although, I know there is no end and it will probably last a lifetime, it has been nice to feel better even if it is only temporary.

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