I remember the first time I became aware of my size. I was ten years old and was walking with my best friend, we dressed in identical outfits because that’s what BFFs did, and a family member commented on how much bigger I was than my friend. I was not supposed to hear the comment, but I did, and that was the moment I became hyper aware of my size.
Before that comment, I never thought about what size I wore, just if clothes fit or didn’t; I never compared my size or myself to my friends. That comment also sparked a battle against myself and the start of my constant comparison to other girls that continued until very recently. As I got older, I fixated on being a size 4; it was my ideal size, the key to my happiness. A few years ago I finally reached my ultimate goal. After months of working out twice a day and giving up sugar entirely (as an avid baker, it was not an easy task. Life without cupcakes isn’t really living!), I finally fit into a size 4 dress, a red Calvin Klein dress. I remember standing in the Macy’s fitting after zipping the dress and doing my happy dance. I have only been able to wear the dress twice, and once was with Spanx. My “Size 4 Happiness” was short lived, which led me to do some soul searching and make a change.
My self diagnosed problem is for most of my life I truly believed if I was a size 4, I would magically become the happiest girl in the world. I would have the shiny hair, perfectly white teeth and a boyfriend who is the modern day Mr. Darcy, and I was absolutely wrong. Finally, I asked myself “why does my size matter so much?” Would Elizabeth Bennett care about her size? Probably not.
I hit my breaking point about my size about a year ago. I no longer cared about being the ideal size. The holy grail of a size 4 was really losing its appeal. As long as I am healthy, I will never say “I really want to lose 10 pounds” again. My only size 4 dress is on its way to Goodwill. It will no longer hang my closet taunting me to compare it to my other dresses.
So, does size really matter? Absolutely not. Does the ideal size equal happiness? Only for a second.